Blue heart

These photos are by Kaihla Oxman who can be found @cultcreative_
Makeup by @Victoriarelfmakeup
Words are my own.

It has been years since I was in a relationship and I have been happily single and serial dating ever since. Although I think every single girl (and guy) comes to a point where they start to feign some sort of interest in maybe being in a relationship again. Being injured  made this feeling even worse. It would have been so much better to have been injured whilst being in a relationship. 

I've played Nurse Girlfriend before, I know the drill. Being looked after would be nice and having someone to hang out with every night would be even better. But what kind of compromises come from this? Constantly having someone knowing what you are doing and where you are all the time? Feeling bad if a member of the opposite sex flirts with you on social media, even if you didn't initiate it? Most likely gaining weight due to being comfortable with that person? Maybe my relationship glasses are a bit grey and dirty, it has been a while. At the end of the day, I haven't met anyone that I would be willing to make these commitments/ sacrifices to. No one has swept me off my feet to the point that they are all I think about. I don't remember how to let my guard down. I don't remember how to let someone in. 

I have to admit though, it's hard to imagine being back in a relationship. I have become independent to the point where I have become horrible at communicating. Not owing anyone anything has put me in a position where I don't know what someone would want to know about me on a daily basis. What things do they want to hear and what things are unnecessary? To me it just seems all unnecessary. I guess you could say I have closed myself off somewhat in order to protect myself. But it seems that in protecting myself from being hurt, I have closed myself off from falling in love.

Falling in love sounds kind of terrifying. The word 'falling' brings up the notion of losing your footing, losing control, hopelessness and other negative connotations. There is a reason it isn't calling 'jumping in love'. It happens sometimes without warning. The act itself makes you lose contact with reality and the world around you. It's hard to fall when you are holding onto the rails. I think I have put up my protective barriers to the point where I've removed my ability to fall. 

So in turn I have become an island where I am the sole survivor. Watching safely from the beach while my friends drown in a sea of love. Don't get me wrong, I am kept pretty occupied with my studies and work. At the moment I have rediscovered my love of books and this is taking up a lot of my time. I won't lie though, there are the moments. Eating alone and looking at the empty seat across from you and wondering if it could be better. Watching a good movie and wishing you could have shared that with someone else. Having any positive experience and wishing there could be someone to enjoy the moment with you.

It's a strange feeling being torn between loving your independence and feeling lonely. It's a sliding scale that really depends on how your day was. But then this makes me wonder, am I only feeling lonely because I had a bad day and this is enhancing every other subconscious emotion I have? This thought alone makes me question if I actually would want to be in a relationship or if I would just be using that person to make the bad days feel less bad? Is this what a relationship is? I'm slowly realising that maybe distancing myself from love has made it difficult for me to relate anymore. I try not to be cynical but I can't help but think, whenever I see a couple happy together that they have fights. That underneath those smiles and kisses lies jealousy, control and insecurity. 

Love isn't something I should be afraid of. I may not be openly looking, but I need to stop running away. The knife tattoo on my arm jokingly means to protect my heart from fuckboys and bitches. Which, I still do believe to be true to some extent. Although, I think I may unconsciously be assuming the worst of everyone, automatically putting them into those categories because I don't trust them or know there true intentions. I am so wary of people and their motives. But not everyone has a motive, in fact only sociopaths would have some sort of underlying purpose. If it isn't evident, I have major difficulties in trusting people as well as a fear of abandonment. Not letting anyone is a good way to avoid being abandoned, but a bad way to live your life. I believe the universe works in a way that you are exactly where you are meant to be. One day someone will come and sweep me off my feet, and until then I am going to keep working on myself so that when they come I will be able to let them in to my heart.


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